Adventures of Twitchy Witch
by twitchy witch
Summary: TW gets inspired by a daring ninja to do some glomping of her own.  It doesn't go as planned.  Especially when Newt proves she's not as crazy as everyone thinks.
1. Chapter 1

_OMG, I can't resist…for those who haven't read it, this is totally inspired by "In Which Al Gets Glomped" by rubydesires. I was laughing all the way to the shower this morning and decided, why the hell not have some fun of my own…? Written mostly as a way to avoid doing any real work today. It wasn't a crossover at first, but…_

_If you don't mind me using you, or original characters from your own fanfiction, please let me know. There's a few folks and characters out there that I would love to make an appearance here. Mwu-ha-ha-ha!  
_

**The Adventures of Twitchy Witch**

The writer known online as "Twitchy Witch" had just finished leaving her review for rubydesires' story, when she thought, "I wonder if I could do that, too…? Why not?"

Having decided to blatantly rip off someone's idea, she snapped her fingers and_ jumped_.

She should probably have given it more thought, first. There's a lot of universes out there.


	2. Chapter 2

"Oh, hell, no," she said, seeing where she'd ended up.

The demon looked over at her quickly. _He's not the right one!_ she thought. This one was tall with a bluish cast to his skin, clad in red and back armor. On his helm was a single horn, and his huge black bat-like wings were impressively spread. In the space of about two seconds, he looked rather confused, then outraged, then came to a decision and simply blasted the intruder with a spell.

"Ow! Sorry! Wrong world! I'll just...um…go? Ow. Could you, um, take this off?" TW looked around in confusion, trying and failing to move her legs. They were wrapped in a glowing set of ropes, and were kind of numb and tingly.

Venger stood silently, head cocked a little to one side as he regarded the stranger. "I would destroy you now, but I wish to know how you penetrated my inner sanctum first," he drawled. "You have five seconds."

She shivered. OK, she'd loved that voice, but that was years ago, damnit! "Wait, I can explain!" Then she thought, _can I? What exactly __**is**__ the explanation here_?

Venger was not the patient type. "Three seconds," he amended, raising a hand encased in a red glow.

_How'd the ninja do it?_ she wondered, trying again to free her legs. It's not like she could glomp him now, not in this state. And she didn't want to glomp Venger. Well, not anymore. He was pretty intimidating in person, actually. He was, what, eight feet tall? Yikes. "I'm not supposed to be here, I'm supposed to be in the Hollows world, sorry to, um, disturb…you…?"

She trailed off, for she'd just realized they weren't alone. There was a young woman there, holding a long, glowing green staff. Her skin was dark and her eyes were flashing, and she was clad in what looked like a bear-skin bikini. She was still in a defensive pose, motionless as she tried to decide what on earth was going on.

"What's going on?" TW said. "This isn't in any of the episodes!"

They were both looking at her now, identical expressions of confusion on their faces.

Her five seconds were up, but Venger hadn't blasted her yet. He didn't lower the hand, though. "Another world?" His expression soured. "Another student of Dungeonmaster's to plague me, is that it…?" He released the spell. TW shrieked and managed to dodge by rolling quickly out of the way. The wall it hit began to melt a little.

_He does have lousy aim, doesn't he?_ She thought. "No no no, I was, um, looking for someone else. But what's she doing here?"

Diana's eyes narrowed. "None of your damned business," she growled.

"Oh, my god," TW said, aghast. "This is…oh, shit, I never finished that story!" She dodged another bolt, and this one caused the stones beside her to dissolve into steam. "It was too messed up even for me!"

"I have no patience for riddles." Venger said, stepping closer.

"I'll bet," TW replied, thinking Dungeonmaster was enough to drive anyone crazy. "Look, it was an accident, I'm going now." She remembered where she'd left the unfinished story and shuddered. "Really, really going now, _oh my god_ SO going now."

She snapped her fingers and _jumped_.

Diana shifted uncomfortably. "What the hell was that about?" she asked.

Venger stared at the empty space the woman had been. "I have no idea. Now, where were we?"

Diana grinned. "I believe I was about to kick your ass."

Venger grinned back at her, feral and anticipatory. "You are welcome to try."

* * *

**Author's Note: **Diana and Venger are characters from the 80's Dungeons and Dragons cartoon series. This particular scene has never happened outside of my head, and embarrasses the hell out of me whenever I recall the premise. Heee!


	3. Chapter 3

_Ew ew ew ew ew!_ This wasn't working out at all. She'd just jumped away from the Labyrinth of the Goblin King, who had been schmoozing Sheila in an even worse unfinished crossover that had never seen the light of day. _I can't believe I wrote that! This isn't funny, I want the Hollows world, and I want it now!_

She opened her eyes hopefully_. The Bahamas? Better…though I seem to remember that the only time the Bahamas appeared in Harrison's work was in—_

A hand grabbed her hair and she flinched_. Oh, hell._

"Another one?" her captor asked.

"Ow. OW OW OW!" She twisted around to see she was being held by a man in his late fifties, who was clad in a rather awful Hawaiian shirt. And they weren't alone, either- there was Newt. And…yes, that was Al, in his gorgeous green frock coat. And three others she didn't recognize. One of them was a tall demon in a business suit, another a slender dark blond demon in a simple maroon dress shirt and black slacks. The last was a surly-looking witch, who looked to be in her thirties, with short black hair and a painful-looking scar on her cheek. They all looked at her warily. "Ow! Another one what?"

"Is this one yours, Al?" Dali asked. "How many do you need, anyway?"

Al squinted at TW thoughtfully. "No, that's not _my _ninja." He shrugged, then grinned. "But I'll take her if you don't want her. I seem to have quite a fan club."

"Your…_ninja_…?" the witch asked, looking at Al blankly.

Dali _tsk'd. _"I'm not letting you have all the fun, Al." He gave TW a little shake. "Why don't _I _get a fan club, that's what I want to know!"

"You're an ugly old man," Al observed. "And you have awful taste in clothes." The other well-dressed demons nodded in agreement.

"What the hell is going on here?" the witch demanded.

"Leggo of my hair!" TW twisted again, and winced. Dali didn't- in fact he just gripped it tighter.

"I'll take her," offered the demon in the business suit. TW tried to place him, and couldn't.

"No," said Dali, who had overlooked the insult to his looks and wardrobe. "If there are demons running around in other worlds, and they don't have the sense to stay there, I want one of my own."

Newt was looking confused. Or maybe it was just her natural face these days. "She's not a demon," she said.

"Oh." Dali sounded disappointed. 'Drat. In that case—"

TW shrieked as he tossed her off the pier. She surfaced, sputtering, then splashed to shallower water and climbed up back onto the pier. _This isn't fun! This was supposed to be fun!_ She contemplated glomping Al, then decided he might not enjoy it as much since she was now sopping wet. Al wasn't looking at her, though, he had returned to the conversation. TW stared at the odd little tableau in confusion. "I don't get it, I never wrote this scene!" she murmured. She noticed something else. "Since when did you have a demon mark, Evie?"

The scar-faced witch turned scarlet and smacked a hand against her chest, covering it. "None of your damned business," she said.

The demon standing next to Evie grinned smugly. _Ash. That's Ash? Hot damn. He's the one I want to glomp!_

"Devi, be a dear and clear out the vermin," Dali said lazily, but Newt was suddenly standing next to TW, looking her up and down curiously, as if trying to recall something.

TW realized that while entirely black eyes sound cool on paper, they are pretty terrifying from two feet away. She took a step back as Newt's hands grabbed her wrists, and promptly fell off the pier again. Newt let her fall, smirking a little. "What's this about a ninja, Al?"

Al winced. "Nothing to worry your head over, Newt, love." He jumped as Newt reappeared right next to him. He leaned back a little, her black eyes boring into his resolve until he cracked. "You don't remember, but she, ah, jumps around following me, and she's like Rachel, and will you please stop staring at me like that?"

TW was dragging herself back onto the pier when she realized that her wrists had pretty little silver chain-link bracelets on them. Cool! Wait. Wasn't there something she'd read about…

"If she jumps worlds, then she's mine,' Newt said.

"Wait! Not fair, I came here to glomp _him_!" TW said, pointing at Ash. This wasn't working out well at all!

The other demons looked at Ash, who gave an "I have no idea what the hell is going on any more than you do" shrug. Evie just looked disgusted.

"Since when did _you _get a fan club, Ash?" asked Al, indignantly.

"Since I invented him! A fan club of ONE!" TW said.

(Someone in the background piped in, "Two!" but as it was an unnoticeable person, nobody paid her any heed. _Yet_.)

"And I am _so_ out of here!" TW snapped her fingers for a quick glomp-and-jump home.

Nothing happened.

"She's as crazy as N—" began the businessman, apparently named Devi, who quickly changed what he was about to say as Newt glared at him. "N-Nero," he finished lamely.

"And what the hell…? I haven't even invented _you_ yet!" TW said, feeling everything getting way out of control. She snapped again, and nothing continued to happen. "Oh, crap," she said, glancing at her wrists as Newt grinned and took her arm. Charmed silver. _Oh, crap._

"So, where were we?" Dali asked, as Newt disappeared with the mysterious stranger.

"We were discussin—" Ash stopped as a bubble floated into their midst. It coalesced into two new strangers, one a tall fey-looking blond man who was even better dressed than Al, and the other a red-headed teenager in a pink miniskirt and hip-high leather boots to die for.

"All right, one of you tell me: which way did she go?" demanded Jareth.

"Yeah- she has a LOT of explaining to do!" added Sheila, hands on hips.

* * *

Author's note: I just remembered the author green1 has a story that features a demon named Ash (who ended up as Newt's new familiar. Lucky him.) _This _Ash is from my own fanfics. As is Evie, the scar-faced witch. And Devi, who was scheduled for an appearance that was cancelled and he's kinda miffed about it. Jareth is, of course, from the Labyrinth, and Sheila is from the 80's Dungeons and Dragons cartoon series.

And thanks for your review, unnoticeable person...I hope you don't mind a cameo!


	4. Chapter 4

TW was not happy. This had been a disaster from the moment she'd jumped. And now she was in Newt's…house? Apartment? Dojo? It kinda looked like a combination of the three, spartan and empty, vaguely Japanese and utterly devoid of anything personal that might trigger a memory.

"Look," she said, as Newt released her and went to a collection of bottles aligned neatly along the shelf of one wall. "Could you cut me a break here? I'm kinda new at this, and….what's that for?"

Newt had selected a bottle and was testing the stopper to ensure it sealed properly. She uncorked it and sniffed, then turned it upside down to ensure it was empty. "Your soul," she said, looking distracted. "As soon as I remember how to transfer it, anyway. My memory's not the best these days." She set the bottle down and began rummaging in a cabinet.

"Hey! I need that!" TW protested. "No, really, an eternity of soulless servitude wasn't what I had in mind!" She wondered what might happen if she glomped Newt. She shivered. Probably not the best idea ever, huh?

"Damned familiars, always rearranging my stuff," Newt muttered. "Where are those damned journals? Minias!" she called impatiently.

TW winced. "I, um, think you killed him," she said. "I read that on Kim's blog."

"Did I? Shame, really, he baked a mean loaf of bread and was really good at footrubs." Newt looked up, registering that. "You read what, where?" she asked, black fathomless eyes blinking in confusion.

TW bit her lip, not entirely sure how she should explain this one. "There's this book series, see, and it's about you guys, and, well, sometimes the author answers spoiler questions on her blog." Newt stared at her, and she continued, nervously, "He hasn't been seen since book six," she added.

"Hmm." Newt swept by TW and casually knocked her over with a quick palm to the chest as she did so. "You're too weak and fat. We'll have to fix that."

"I _beg _your _pardon_!" TW exclaimed. "That was uncalled for! What's wrong with my body?"

"It's out of shape and hasn't been trained. You didn't even try to dodge that blow. I don't like possessing lazy people."

"WOAH, now, say what?" TW was still having trouble following this conversation, even though it seemed the woman was surprisingly coherent.

Newt didn't elaborate, just began rummaging in another cupboard. "If I killed Minias, who is my familiar now?"

"I haven't a clue. And you don't get to possess me. I only have room for one person in here, two would be crowded."

"That's what the bottle's for," Newt replied, slamming one door and jerking open another. She made a grunt of satisfaction as she found whatever she was looking for.

TW stomped her foot impatiently. "What the hell, Newt, this was supposed to be a funny, lighthearted parody story where I glomped Ash and became his favorite ninja! And now you're turning it all dark and creepy!" She saw another small bottle in Newt's hand. "What is that?"

"I do what I want," said Newt. "And what I want is to get the hell out of the Ever After." She tossed the contents of the vial at the stunned TW, who promptly started wailing as it got into her eyes.


	5. Chapter 5

Gagging and sputtering, TW tried to clear the nasty potion out of her eyes and off her face. "_Uuuuuuugh,_ Newt, what the hell was in that? It's awful! It smells like ass! Ass, and dead clams! Euurgh!"

Newt shrugged. "I don't remember. Could be ass and dead clams, for all I know." She frowned. "Now that's annoying. It's not working!"

TW was trying to shake the remaining goo from her hair. "Maybe because some jerk tossed me into an ocean a few minutes ago?" she said testily, for she was still awfully miffed about that.

"Damn. I hate wasting potions. Pity, it would have molded your body into the most perfect physically fit form your genes are capable of."

"Are you sure you don't have another one? I could help you look," TW offered helpfully. "If you find the recipe, I could even help you make it!"

"No time," Newt said, annoyed. "I'll just have to make do." She began to approach TW, holding the little bottle she intended to house TW's soul in, and TW began to back away.

"Now, look," TW protested. "You don't even know how to jump. You'd have no idea where you're going! Hell, I have no idea where I'm going!"

"That's easy, you're going right here," said Newt, indicating the bottle.

"No, I mean, you don't know what else is out there! There's so many worlds, and not all of them are nice—"

"Worse than here?" Newt asked skeptically. "Stuck in this sunless hellhole with a bunch of horny idiot demon fratboys for company? All of them trying to get into your pants? For _five thousand years_?"

"Well, OK, you have a point there," said TW, grimacing. No wonder the woman was insane, she thought.

"No, I don't care. If I can, though, I'm going to find this "Kim" person and give her a piece of my mind. Literally. The crazy piece!" Newt cackled evilly.

"_NOOOOO_!" TW was aghast. "You can't do that! She's still got a bunch of books to go!"

"I do what I want," said Newt again, and this time TW didn't even see the blow coming.

TW woke up in the dark.

"Shit. I'm in a bottle," she said, miffed. She could see out of the bottle, though she wasn't sure how she was seeing without eyes to see with.

Time passed.

TW was bored. She wondered if maybe she could try to rock the bottle and tip it off the shelf. But she didn't have a body to rock with, and anyway, her real body was gone. Newt's body was still there, though. It looked like it was meditating.

Damnit! That crazy demon chick had run off with her body!

More time passed.

TW began to be real bored, indeed. She had "I Dream of Jeanie" stuck in her head, and tried to distract herself with other songs for a bit. She was on her third rendition of "99 Bottles of Beer" when a really oddball gentleman appeared out of nowhere.

"Oooooh, hell, no," she said, as the Goblin King tried to shake Newt awake. Except it wasn't the Goblin King, it was Dali. Who had apparently taken the "ugly old man" comment to heart, but had clearly asked the wrong person for fashion advice. He'd replaced the tacky shirt with a black, glittery, spangled riding coat and tan pants that had to be (1) three sizes too small and (2) augmented with a strategically stuffed sock. He'd even poofed his hair. The effect was…probably not the one he was going for, let's leave it at that.

"Hell and damnation," Dali grumbled. "I knew we shouldn't have let her run off on her own again." He sniffed and wrinkled his nose. "What the hell, it smells like ass and dead clams in here." He glanced around the room, his eyes falling on the bottle that held a soul that was howling with laughter. "All right, you've really done it now! What has she done?"


	6. Chapter 6

"I dunno!" TW insisted, though she wondered what exactly she was communicating with, given that she had no lips or lungs at the moment. Creative license, she thought. "She clocked me over the head first!"

Dali swore and put the bottle back on the shelf, staring at Newt's peaceful, blank face. "How the hell do we track her now?"

"Can I help?"

"_You_ have done quite enough!" he snapped, and vanished in a column of tacky sparkles before she could even begin to ask to be let out.

"Well, crap." TW was kinda worried she'd be spending the rest of her days in this bottle, which kinda boded ill for anything like an interesting story. But she needn't have worried, because another demon appeared.

"Ash?" she asked hopefully, but it wasn't him, it was the new one. What was his name, again? Oh, right. Devi.

"No!" he said, frustrated. "It's me! You know? The token demon character you never bothered to flesh out? Do you even _know_ my full name?"

"Um," TW said, and would have blushed if she could. "I do, but…I mean, I'm still sort of working on it. Devasanniyakseya was as far as I'd gotten."

Devi looked a little mollified. "What's it mean?"

TW hesitated. "Powerful and Sexy Demon Who Inspires Great Envy Among His Peers," she lied. Actually, it was a big mush that meant something like "Demon of Plagues" but she didn't think that would go over nearly as well.

Devi snorted. "Right. Anyway, I'm tired of being simply a scary name. I'll make you a deal, you flesh _me_ out, and I'll flesh _you_ out."

TW almost told him that "Devi" wasn't exactly a scary name at all, but she was certainly very eager to get out of this damned bottle. "Um. OK. After I get back to my life, I'll give you a cameo."

"Not a damned cameo, I want a full story! With descriptions! And exciting plot! Adventure and romance!"

"You want to get laid," TW translated.

"Yes! Do we have a deal?"

"You don't have a chance with Evie, Ash would kill you if you tried anything."

Devi groaned at the reference that probably nobody would get. "I would _hope_ that you have more than_ two_ fucking characters in your tiny skull that you can write about, miss."

"But people seem to like my two characters fucking!" TW insisted, who'd been working out the next chapter of "_In the Ever Afterlife_" already. She squeaked as Devi held the bottle over the tile floor threateningly.

"Need I remind you, you _are_ in a bottle," he said. "There's a lot of worse places you could be," he added with an evil leer.

"OK, OK, deal! You've got your story! Now let me out and give me back my body!"

* * *

Author's note

OK, It's not my most popular story, but damn I'm having a ball writing it! It's part of my resolution to write a little bit of _something_ every day.

The reference is to Cassandra Clare's "_Very Secret Diaries of the Lord of the Rings_." Everyone wants a piece of Frodo, but knows that Sam will kill them if they try anything.


	7. Chapter 7

_I have a little bit of writer's block on chapter 55 of _In the Ever Afterlife_, so I figured I'd pick up this story for a bit of an easy break. Besides, Devi's getting pretty pissed at me._

_

* * *

_

The demon Devasanniyakseya began to tap his foot impatiently. His new little minion was still a bodiless soul in a bottle and he was getting very displeased that two and a half _months_ had gone by without a single peep from her.

"Well?" he demanded. "That's all you could come up with? That I blew up a subway? What the hell kind of lame-ass plot bunny is that?"

TW winced and shrugged. "Um, sorry, I was sorta concentrating on my NaNoWriMo story, and there were all those lab reports to grade, and…"

Devi growled and popped the cork, dumping the mist that was TW's little swirly pink soul into the palm of his hand. For a swirly little pink mist, it was remarkably stable and didn't leave his hand. "Last chance," he said menacingly.

"Look, Devi, honest, I'm just having a bit of writer's block with you. Give me something to work with!"

Devi looked nonplussed. "Like what?"

"I dunno…like, tell me a story. Why'd you blow up the subway, anyway?"

Devi shrugged. "Summoner told me to."

The pink mist shifted impatiently. "…._and_?"

"And _what?"_

"Was this summoner male? Or female?"

"Male."

"Devi, work with me here. Details! What did he give you?"

Devi cocked his head curiously, seeming to catch on. "Information on the whereabouts of a certain wizard," he said cautiously.

"…and why blow up a _subway_?"

"How the hell should I know? I didn't ask. I didn't care. Maybe he wanted a really good work excuse?"

The mist gave the distinct impression of rolling its eyes. "Ok, fine, how about this wizard?"

"He's a sneaky little human who's got two of my fucking marks on him, reneged on a deal, and still manages to slip my snare every time I get close to catching him! How the hell is he hiding the signature of my demon marks, that's what I want to know!"

"Oooh, this is good!" Devi glared at the mist, and it shrank ever so slightly. "I mean, good for a story. I can work with that. Who's this wizard?"

Devi looked at the mist suspiciously. "No, I think I'm done with details. Now you pump out a few chapters and we'll see about getting you a real body. In the meantime…" he looked around for inspiration, his eyes settling on Newt's prone form.

"Oh, no you don't! She'll fucking _kill_ me if I go gallivanting around in her body!"

"Do you really think she intends to come back here?"

"Hmm. Good point. Still. I don't want to go around being her. Isn't there another option?"

Devi chuckled. "Sure there is. You asked for it."

Without ceremony, he simply brought the mist to his face and inhaled. There was a muted "Eeeeeeeee!" before the mist vanished entirely.

_Hey! Hey hey hey! Let me out of here! Eww, it's all….manly…in here! _

Devi grinned and burped. "Now then…where should we start looking?" he asked.

* * *

While TW was adjusting to her new digs, Newt was still adjusting to TW's body. She had driven other bodies before, but this one was just a mere human, and it was irritating as hell. She'd had a very bad moment when she realized that all her stored curses were part of her physical form and hadn't transferred. At least this clumsy shape had retained its ability to jump to other worlds, though the real trick was figuring out which world was the one she wanted.

This one certainly wasn't it. This one was a dank, dark cavern with two figures, the larger of whom had just pinned the smaller to the wall by the throat. Both of them froze and looked back at Newt with identical expressions of irritated confusion.

"You again?" gasped the dark-skinned girl, who was dangling defiantly in the tall one's grip and kicking ineffectively at his armored stomach. She fell to the dirt as the taller one released her, turning to deal with the intruder.

Venger didn't waste any breath on a warning, just sent a fireball Newt's way with a hiss of annoyance. He looked rather surprised as the figure didn't EEP! and dodge it. Instead it splattered against an invisible circular barrier.

Newt cackled. "And what the hell are you supposed to be?" she asked, eying the bat-winged figure appraisingly.

Venger wasted no time launching another spell at her, which was also deflected with no visible movement on the part of the intruder. "What trickery is this?" he demanded, flinging a third volley of powerful bolts at the impudent girlish figure, and had to duck as they came flying back at him, crashing into the stone behind him and sending foot-ball sized chunks everywhere.

"Hmm. Not bad," Newt said, sounding satisfied. "What else have you got?"


	8. Chapter 8

_ARRGH. Major writer's block. And I started a plot in Ever Afterlife that I just didn't feel like writing anymore, and only now found my escape-clause and interesting twist. Yay! So here's the chapter of TW Adventures that I've been meaning to post for weeks, written in the meantime._

_(note: Devi's referring to Ever Afterlife chapter 61...his first appearance.)  
_

_

* * *

Can I come out now?_

"HA! You're lucky I don't just digest you after that chapter, clever girl," Devi replied testily. "A little girl? What the hell were you thinking?"

_Originally you were a buxom sex-kitten...then I changed all the references to a little girl and it was ten times creepier. I thought it was pretty funny, to be honest!_

"I wonder about you, Twitchy...I really do. Are you sure you don't need any therapy? Anything traumatic in your past?"

_Hey! That's pretty rich, coming from a demon! Now what are we going to do next, anyway?_

"You're the self-insertion with the inexplicable jumping powers, so …?"

_Hmm. OK. How do I take you with me, I wonder...? I'll have to grab on to something in here..._

"Grab onto someth- _WOAH,_ now, careful with those!"

_Hee hee! You'd better come along, you don't want to be without these, eh?_

"Stop that immediately!" Devi winced at the thought. Perhaps swallowing the main character hadn't been the smartest idea after all.

_Here we go!_

But before they could jump, they were interrupted by an annoyed goblin king. Devi looked him up and down with the expression of someone trying not to snicker. "And what the hell are you supposed to be?" he asked.

Jareth tossed his wild mane and scowled. "Where's the mastermind behind this whole mess? I can sense her here- where is she hiding?"

"What's it to you?" Devi asked belligerently.

"Nothing, really," the tall king said airily, having had just about enough of this stinking cesspool of a canon. It was even worse than his castle, and that was saying a lot. "She simply ought to know that one of the gentlemen- and I use that term in the _loosest_ possible sense of the word- on the pier ran off with my companion. I cannot seem to locate her."

_Oh shit...seriously? Al ran off with Sheila? That is so not good!_

"Yeah, Al is rather obsessed with the redheads, lately," Devi agreed. "So what?"

"So, I _need _the kid if my story's ever going to be finished!" Jareth snapped. "Not that I have high hopes of that, but stranger things have happened. I certainly didn't expect this plot hole to swallow us after so many years of being abandoned mid-banter on a cliff over the Labyrinth. Do you realize I've had to listen to that annoying Cavalier whine for nearly a decade? It's intolerable! At least here we shall finally get a resolution...albeit a ridiculous one."

Devi scritched his jaw, and Twitchy recognized it as a sign of an impending bargain. _Oooooh, no you don't! _She reconsidered. Jareth was not known for playing fair, was he? Actually, this could be pretty entertaining. _We need to rescue Sheila, first, and then we'll go after Newt. She might be able to help us!_

"A human teenager?" Devi replied thoughtfully. "How the hell could she help?"

_She's got some really tough friends and they all face off against a big bad Force of Evil nearly every week._

Jareth was holding a small crystal ball and was gazing into it. "Ah, I see. Nice try, hiding in there, but you're not getting away that easily, Twitchy."

_I'm not hiding, I've been ingested! I need my body back! Newt stole it!_

"Why was the girl straying into your canon in the first place, eh?" Devi asked Jareth suspiciously.

Jareth shrugged. "Ask her. I've sworn off teenagers after the last fiasco."

_It was a misguided attempt to slash Sheila with Eric. You know, for the challenge of matching to two entirely unsuitable characters, see? Look, I never finished it, OK? It was as awful as it sounds! Let's just get her back from Al, then go get Eric out of the Labyrinth, and then we'll all go after Newt._

"What makes you think I have any interest in going along with this madness?" asked Jareth, rather huffily.

_Fine, stay here. I can finish the story without you. Let me see...Eric escapes the Labyrinth by...seducing the goblin king, who vows to-_

Jareth choked. "Fine. I'll go get him after we retrieve the girl, if you promise to keep his filthy hands off of me."

"And what makes you think that I have any power to nab a potential familiar from Al...?" Devi asked.

_I...I don't know. I'll think of something?_

"Yes, that strategy has worked brilliantly so far, hasn't it?"

_Oh, shut up. _

_

* * *

_

It turned out that rescuing Sheila from Al was easier than expected. Al was home, but Sheila was nowhere to be seen. And Al was utterly pissed off about it.

"One minute she's here, then I turn around to get the whipped cream, and poof! She's gone!"

Twitchy snickered. Having knowledge of many different canons was kinda fun. _If we find her for you, can we take her? I mean, you already have your own ninja and all, how many extra-canon characters do you really need?_

Devi relayed Twitchy's offer, and Al grinned unapolagetically. "Can you blame me? She was just a human and she was _right there_! And anyway, my ninja seems to be running off with Trent at the moment, and it's quite irritating."

_Aw, how cute. You want to make her jealous._

"Cute? It's repulsive," Devi said.

Al scowled- it was easy enough to guess what conclusion they'd reached. "Just find the human and get the hell out of here!"

"Well?" Devi asked Twitchy. But he didn't have to say anything else, because they heard Sheila's voice coming from nowhere.

"There's no way I'm going anywhere with _any_ of you!"

Jareth, who seemed unperturbed by a disembodied voice, offered the empty air a peek into his crystal. The little bubble showed the swirly pink bit that was Twitchy's soul, currently housed somewhere near Devi's spleen. "Helping Twitchy regain her body appears to be the only way to resolve this mess. Unless you wish to stay here, I suggest you help us."

The air shimmered and then resolved into a girl who'd just removed the hood of an apparently magical cloak. She looked peeved, though she appeared uncertain at whom to direct her ire. "Like I'm going to trust you, Oh Poisoned Peach Purveyor?" She sighed. "Still, I don't see any other way out of this, so I'm in. As long as Mr. Wandering Hands over there keeps his mitts to himself."

"Hmph. I have _far_ better things to do with _my_ time," Al replied loftily, and vanished.

Devi was tapping his foot impatiently. "Can we go now?"

_How do I jump everyone? I don't know how!_

"I can follow," Jareth replied. He offered Sheila his arm, and the two were replaced a shimmering little soap bubble bobbling gently in in updraft from Al's fire pit.

_Okeydoke!_ Twitchy cried happily, and Devi winced as she once again grabbed something he did NOT want to lose. _Here we go!_

They jumped.

* * *

The cavernous room was nearly empty when they arrived, though it appeared that two powerful mages had done a good job decimating most of the furniture and a good portion of the stonework before they'd arrived.

The lone figure sat with arms folded, radiating fury and malevolence. The odd part about it was-

_Hey! It's me! I mean, her! I mean...isn't it?_

Devi wasted no time in trapping TW's body in a circle. TW's body merely glowered back at him. "If you're looking for the witch, you're too late. She and her new boy-toy left a hour or so ago. And she _stole my body!_"

The floating bubble resolved into Jareth and Sheila, and the seated figure looked up at the girl in astonishment. "Sheila? What are you doing here? It's me! Diana!"

"Diana?" Sheila stared at her, as Diana rose ungracefully to her feet. Devi cursed and dropped the circle, allowing her to walk over.

"Yeah. She took one look at my body and decided she liked it better. I can see why. This body drags itself around like a sack of potatoes. Girl needs to get out more!"

_Hey! I think I'm insulted! _

Devi snickered. "Wouldn't have taken much," he commented.

_Don't you start with me. There's a few bits in here I could start messing with, you know._

Devi ignored this. "Well, then, it will be easy enough to restore you, we'll just pop the occupant out of there, and pop you back in-"

"Now wait just a minute! What about Diana?"

"What about her?" asked Devi and Jareth together.

"So, we're still one body short, here!" snapped Sheila, a protective arm around her companion. "Di, will you help us catch the woman who body-snatched you?"

"I'm not sure how much use I'll be in Wonderbread's body, here," Diana replied bitterly, "But we should gather the gang and go after her. Venger told her he knew of a portal to Earth. The psycho lady was all about getting over there to do something nasty to someone named Kim. She said she'd help him renege on his deal with He Who Shall Not Be Named."

"Seriously?" Sheila was appalled and intrigued. "I'd have thought Old Horn-head would have been more interested in taking over the Realm instead."

"Oh, that too," Diana said wryly. "Well, come on. Let's find the others."

TW had a thought- these were two separate stories, right? Would that mean that the characters were duplicated, too? One way to find out!

The answer, it turned out, was yes. The search party now consisted of eight confused kids (including two worried Sheilas, two bickering, irritable Erics, and a body-swapped surly Diana), a demon, a goblin king, a disembodied soul, and a baby unicorn.

"Tell me again why I agreed to any of this?" Devi said, eying the traveling companions in their technicolor outfits warily. The baby unicorn took one sniff of him and spent the next twenty minutes bleating pitifully and trying to get the reek of burnt amber out of her nose.

_Plot. You wanted a story, right?_

"I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth continuing to participate in this nonsense," he said. "It's getting more farcical every moment. This had better be one awesome fucking story you have for me."

Y_ou're just lucky I didn't even start any other_ _crossovers,_ TW replied. _I mean, look at what else I liked all those years ago, apart from _Labyrinth. Dark Crystal, Legend, Beauty and the Beast, Wizards and Warriors_..._

"Just stop right there, please," Devi said. "Your taste is _appalling_."

_Hey! You're about to get a starring role in a nice Buffy crossover crackfic if you don't knock off the insults, buster._


End file.
